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What are the best sex games on PC? Or houses in low-lying flood plains. I can never remember which is which. Videogame bonking may not be particularly highbrow, with the act often portrayed as the equivalent of knocking a Barbie and Ken together, but hey, points for effort.
Have a cold shower on standby: these are the best PC sex games around. Crusader Kings 3 is all about existing in a world where you can lie, cheat, steal, kill, and bonk your way to the top. : the b est PC games. Everything in Crusader Kings 3 is always wrapped up in sex somehow. Want someone to continue your legacy? Have sex! Want to become a monarch?
Want to be upset because you find out your spouse is cheating on you with your cousin? Um, accidentally see them have sex? Anyway, Crusader Kings 3 is a very honest look at what humans are like when left alone to be the worst versions of themselves, and our CK3 review can tell you how fun that is. That is thanks to a scene that plays out like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, only with much more scrotum dodging. They start going at it on their bed while you fight off a band of underwear-stealing gnomes on the opposite dresser — because South Park. The fight does not end there, as soon you find yourself locked in conflict with an Underpants Warlock on the bed, dodging limbs and swinging appendages with graphic quick time events.
Kind of like in your nightmares. Across all three adventures, you will be able to flirt with many different NPCs and play a bit of tonsil tennis, before performing the horizontal mambo. You may even wish to establish a genuine connection with these NPCs, since you can carry over your progress and relationships across the three games.
Relentless, unfettered, and delightfully progressive sex; games like Dragon Age: Inquisition also let you bonk just about anyone. Those randy reprobates at BioWare need to be doused in several gallons of the iciest water available. If you have a particular favourite Mass Effect party member and want to court them, be sure to check out our Mass Effect Legendary Edition romance guide for all the best pickup lines. True to life, sex in Fallout 4 is contingent upon a series of regular and increasingly challenging charisma tests.
The experience can be altered substantially if you know the right Fallout 4 mods. The Witcher games are crawling with every different kind of fantasy wizard sex imaginable, to the extent that the game and its cast of dozens of sexable NPCs has been criticised by some as brazenly sexist. Whichever way you slice this cake, however, it is layers of sex sponge with sex filling in between, no doubt about it. The Witcher 3 was the best game of and has sex all up in it, no matter how you might feel about that.
Seek out our The Witcher 3 PC review to find out why the action-RPG classic has a lot more going for it than between-the-sheets deviancy. Robert Yang is the master of offbeat sex games packed with humour and ridiculous, shiny 3D character models.
Oh, and all the penises are gun barrels. That is no sort of sex games list I want any part of, let me tell you. Bonus points are awarded here for the sex act taking place in a pile of filthy old, wee-smelling cardboard boxes in some sort of hole in the ground where disgusting people live. What do you do after waking up in an unfamiliar room with a foggy head and a naked stranger sleeping beside you? One Night Stand is an indie sex game that explores the awkward aftermath of a drunken night of passion.
There are twelve ways for this game to end depending on your actions, but the real draw of One Night Stand is that its human interactions feel organic and realistic. You control a squidgy, squirming, slippery phallus, and across all of its various modes the main aim of the game is to steer your colourful penis into as many of your rivals as possible.
Genital Jousting even has a surprisingly affecting — and very surreal — single player story where you try and get John the penis a date for his high school reunion. There are two bits of sex in Wolfenstein: The New Order. The first and most notable happens on a train journey, shortly after a terrifying encounter with maniacal labour camp commandant Frau Engel. And then, just like that, there is a sex. Our hero, even in the throes of physical ecstasy, cannot help but be introspective. All of which must have been distracting to his friend and resistance leader Anya, who is busily going to town on him.
Triad is a much less raunchy alternative. Taking place just after a threesome, Triad puts you in charge of arranging who sleeps where in the aftermath, trying to appease several sleeping habits in a very tight space. An interactive graphic novel about a college student coming to terms with his sexuality in the only way he knows how: by slinging it around like it is going out of fashion. In Coming Out On Top, you can focus your attentions on one of five men or a fish in this gay dating simulator, unlocking a catalogue of still-frame, sequence shots of really quite remarkably hot sex.
So, there you have it, the best sex games on PC. And if you really must indulge filthy thoughts, fantasise about what sort of lurid sex acts Geralt will get up to in The Witcher 4. For the time being, though, you should calm down, think unsexy thoughts oooh, steamed celery!
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